Following years of insistence by promoters that upscale properties would one day magically transform Luxembourg City’s Gare district, the opening of a pricey boutique has indeed tipped the scales and caused the area’s troublemakers to flee in horror.
At precisely 9:59 a.m. on Monday, a business called Chic&Vine that is a cross between a wine bar and a high-end urban fashion shop that also sells artisanal beauty products opened its doors for the first time and immediately turned into a glowing orb.
According to reports, the majority of petty criminals and ruffians in the area screamed and ran, and those who did not immediately leave or at least cover their eyes had their faces melt à la the Nazis at the end of “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
“From Rue de Hollerich all the way to Rue Bender, delinquents, harassers, and creeps were driven away, suddenly unable to tolerate the sight of storefronts painted in cheerful but muted colors and saleswomen with names like Beatrix or Daphnée wearing dangly jewelry,” announced one delighted resident who in 2023 bought a studio on Rue de Strasbourg with the assurance that the neighborhood was “improving.”
Promoter Laurent Cashe says that the expulsion proves that development is right and good.
“As foreseen and foretold, this single new boutique was the magic key, the turning point,” he said. “Welcome to the Gare’s golden era, a time of security, tiny dogs wearing adorable little fur coats in the winter, and dozens of new restaurants that might be expensive, but trust us, the honey-glazed salmon and arugula salad with pine nuts will be simply divine.”
According to some reports, by sunset a dozen so-called “undesirables” had returned to the area, so residents of some of the newer properties banded together, walked around carrying scented candles with names like “Sun and Soirée” and “Tuscan Orange Craving,” and chanted, “the power of gentrification compels you,” which seemed to work for a short period.
