Describing corporate vaccines as “a dull assemblage of mass-tested mRNA that show no imagination or nuance,” a hipster from Dudelange has announced he is making his own vaccine.
“Big Pharma vaccines are all the same,” said Michel Paracetti, who in the past experimented with brewing his own beer, designing t-shirts with ironic messages, and raising goats.
“Yeah, they may be effective 95 percent of the time, but what about the experience of being inoculated against the century’s first pandemic?” he continued. “We’re people, not zombie consumers. Each dose should be personalized and special.”
“I certainly don’t want a vaccine made in a factory in some other country that will cause the same boring side effects to hundreds of millions of people,” he added. “I want to be surprised.”
Paracetti says his vaccine will be made with organic, locally sourced mRNA that will spur protein production that triggers an immune response in unique and sometimes unexpected ways, or often not at all.
He vows to make no more than 1500 doses, each of which will be stored in vials made by a glassblower friend who goes by the name Elfyndes and is well known in the world of medieval fairs.
“We’ve received positive feedback from test subjects,” Paracetti said, referring to a group that only includes his childhood friend Diogo and his reluctant sister Emmanuelle. “My sister got severe chills and a blue rash all over her arm that if you squint, looks like a cool tattoo.”