Despite months of concerted effort from European and national agencies, the practice known as fist bumping will likely become a permanent fixture of the social fabric in Europe, the EU has warned.
“Once upon a time, fist bumps were a relatively niche greeting practiced by urban youth, people with missing thumbs, and anyone suffering from sweaty, hairy, or otherwise abnormal palms,” said Rikard Hyfyve of EU-PU, which advises on cultural practices.
Hyfyve says that during the pandemic, fist bumping rose to epidemic levels, so much that it infected nearly every social circle, workplace, and home in the continent. Levels of infection have remained steady since early 2021, he says.
“We’ve done everything we can to stop this scourge, ranging from putting ‘no fist bumping’ signs on public transport, reminding people that Covid is spread in the air and not with good ol’ handshakes, to funding arts projects that mock fist bumping and celebrate the virtue of more classically European greetings such as cheek kisses and the slight upturning of the lips to express social superiority.”
“However, despite our best efforts, people all across the EU, from senior citizens in Bulgaria to businesspeople in Sweden, continue to engage in this barbaric foreign practice,” he added. “It is with a heavy heart that I admit we may never eradicate fist bumps.”