A new report from the Ministry of Expat Affairs has confirmed that everyone in Luxembourg who is not already Luxembourgish will be by the middle of next year — with the notable exception of you.
“Becoming Luxembourgish is, like, super quick and fun, and seriously man, everyone is doing it,” said Minister Paul Baresi. “Honestly, my neighbor got the nationality in his sleep. He just moved here last month. And then his wife and his kids got it in, like, five seconds. Then his dog got it just by wagging his tail.”
Baresi emphasized that you are not doing it now, nor will you ever. He and other officials don’t know if the reason is your inability to learn even common Luxembourgish phrases, your tendency to become perplexed by the simplest of administrative tasks, or something else entirely that hopefully you will explore in depth with a licensed therapist.
“Mega huge citizenship party in Place Guillaume this Saturday,” Baresi said through a megaphone, jumping up and down and pumping his fist in the air. “It’s going to be so cool, 11 stages, lots of music, free grillwursts and beer, all to celebrate everyone’s awesome Luxembourgish nationality, everyone and I mean everyone is invited,” he said.
“Except you, of course,” he added.