Describing it as a delicious combo that’s been slowly broiling for a long time, the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg and the fast-food giant Burger King have announced plans to merge into a single unified chain-state.
“We both share a fondness for grilled meat, cold drinks, and fried potato items,” said Claude Krumper, who holds a little-known post called Carrier of the Words, which means he represents both the Grand Ducal family and the Luxembourg government in matters of business and statehood. “We are sometimes referred to as ‘Burgers,’ and burgers are BK’s claim to fame.”
“We are represented by a constitutionally limited monarch, and they are represented by a legally trademarked monarch,” he added.
Under the deal, the chain-state will be called LuxemBurger King and will keep many of its current features including its borders, languages, and holiday dates.
However, some concessions have been made. National Day will be renamed 2-for-1 Whopper Day, and the traditional fried fish of the Schueberfouer will be replaced by the BK Big Fish sandwich.
New perks include discounted maxi menus for all residents and cross-border workers, inexpensive birthday parties for children under the age of 10, and branded paper crowns that all citizens will now be required to wear whenever in public.
The legend of Melusina, which the Wurst has extensively covered here, here, here, and here, will also be modified to honor the merger.
In the original version, Melusina hops out of her window and into the river when her husband Sigfried discovers her to be part fish. In the new version, she leaps out of the window and drives her electric scooter to Burger King when her husband tells her about the chain’s delicious new BBQ bacon cheeseburger.
Some place names will also be altered. Kirchberg will become Kirchburger, Frisange will be renamed Friesange, and Ettlelbruck will inexplicably be called Chili Cheese Nuggets. Also, the Petrusse river which runs through Luxembourg City will be emptied and filled with frying oil and will be used as an actual fryer to keep up with what is expected to be an unprecedented demand for french fries.
Lastly, the national motto “Mir wëlle bleiwe wat mir sinn” (“We want to remain what we are”) will be changed to “Mir wëlle bleiwe wat mir iessen” (“We want to remain what we eat”).
