Saying it doesn’t make sense to keep the name of what should be summer’s most summery month when it rains all the damn time, Luxembourg officials have announced they’re going to change the name of July to “November.”
“Other countries have designated monsoon seasons, and people know the weather’s going to be wet and unpleasant, so they mentally prepare themselves,” said chief naming officer Alex Gomes. “Here it’s like, oh, July’s coming, so let’s have a barbecue and play badminton in the park – never mind, it’s raining, again.”
“We’re not doing this in the spirit of bitterness,” he continued. “It’s only in the interest of honesty.”
“July, piss off,” he added, spitting. “You’re a liar.”
As for November, which everyone in Luxembourg agrees truly is a terrible month full of cold rain and darkness, officials say they plan on changing its name to something more suitable, such as “Crapember,” “Depressionember,” or “Hide-in-Bed-and-Drinkember.”
