In response to widespread confusion about why people are clearing out stocks of toilet paper in this time of the coronavirus pandemic, one intellectually intrepid philosopher says he has figured out why.
“Why do people rush to supermarkets and fill up their shopping cards with toilet paper?” said Dr. Manfred Kneis, professor of logic, mathematics, and toiletries at the University of Wiltz. “I have a theory, but I caution you that it’s not been tested.”
“It’s because not having toilet paper sucks,” he continued. “Reasonable people anticipate scarcity and they want to make sure they don’t run out because we like having clean butts.”
“Have you ever taken a shit at a friend’s house and realized there’s no toilet paper?” he added. “You panic. It’s not funny.”
When asked why people feel they need to use toilet paper to clean themselves instead of something else, Dr. Kneis paused, his neurons firing as his brain went into hyperdrive.
“Because it’s neither comfortable nor economical to use cocktail napkins, notebook paper, or little pieces of cardboard,” he said. “And no one in their right mind is going to use that little butt pool known as a bidet unless they grew up doing it.”