A Luxembourg company that employs more than 120 people is facing certain ruin if even a single sharp word is said within its building, it has been revealed.
The precariousness is due to end-of-the-year pressure, a sickening lack of sunlight, and seasonal malaise suffered by nearly all of the employees of Luxlo Services, say local scientists.
“In each of our computational models, all it takes is one sarcastic remark, complaint, or passive-aggressive request by a manager to cause something like a nuclear meltdown wherein the site has to be evacuated,” said Dr. Carlotta Breinburg.
Breinburg and her fellow researchers came up with 250 scenarios which they inserted into the model one at a time. These included someone asking if receptionist Marie-Laure is going to be ill on Christmas Eve again this year, an IT guy snapping that he didn’t design the stupid software, and a manager saying “do I have to do everything?” to herself.
“We also ran the model with the HR head groaning, an administrative assistant huffing, and a member of the communications team sighing when the CEO again neglects to approve the message on the New Year’s card that supposedly comes from him,” she said.
“Under every model, at the bare minimum a shouting match erupts, half the staff walk out, and the other half snarl like mad dogs and demand a review of bonuses,” she continued. “In some models, department heads shoot flames from their mouths, the CEO takes off his clothes and runs naked through the halls claiming he’s Napoleon, and a giant hole opens up and swallows the building and everyone in it.”
“Of course, that’s only a worst-case scenario, and in some models the CEO leaves on his tie and socks, and the building merely collapses.”
Breinburg and her fellow researchers advise those in the company to treat everyone else like prematurely born baby rabbits. They say the advice goes for nearly everyone in the country.
“Smile, talk in whispers, and only give praise until March or April when moods improve,” she said.
“As for the summer just before the holidays, it’s the opposite,” she added. “Then you can criticize, insult, and mock most people and it won’t even register because mentally they’re not even there.”
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Originally published by RTL Today
