LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — Citing hundreds of construction projects, roadworks on nearly every street, plus the highly disruptive building of the tram line through the city center, VDL officials have announced that they are just going to close off the whole place until this shit ends.
“We don’t know when this shit will end, but when it does, we’ll open the city to cars again,” said Pierre Lentz, who heads the VDL Office of Brutal Honesty. “There’s no point in pretending this traffic situation is normal when it’s not.”
“Anyone who has tried to drive through the city on a weekday recently can tell you that it’s a freaking nightmare, right out of a Kafka story,” he continued. “The moment you get through one horrible traffic jam that you’ve been in for an hour, you get stuck in another just because a bunch of guys in yellow vests have closed a lane for some incomprehensible reason.”
“And then you think you’re home, but no, because someone has decided to put up a new apartment building in your neighborhood, so there are trucks everywhere and they’ve been allowed to block off your street for a week.”
“It’s enough to drive you insane, which according to reports, has happened to nearly everyone who regularly drives in this shit,” he added. “We’re all totally bonkers now.”
Officials say that anyone wishing to enter or leave the city by car should do so before next week, because the following Monday morning the whole city will be closed to traffic. And while buses will also be forbidden because they add greatly to road congestion, trains will still run as normal. Also, Velohs will still be allowed because no one ever uses them anyway.