Teenagers in the Grand Duchy have announced that the COVID-19 pandemic is over, that social distancing is no longer needed, and that they may go back to enthusiastically sharing saliva with each other.
“We won,” said a 14-year-old lycée student named Tim. “Finally, I can go back to play-fighting my friends to impress girls and performing complicated handshakes that involve fingers snapping, first bumps, and half-hugs.”
Another student,17-year-old Eliana, says she and her friends are delighted to again participate in their after-school ritual: standing in a circle and passing around a cigarette.
“The filter gets so wet that it nearly disintegrates,” she said. “Afterwards, we like to share a single bottle of iced tea. Sometimes we can taste each other’s lipstick.”
Sixteen-year-old Martin says that although at school he’s still required to wear face panties and stay two meters from other people, teachers and parents cannot control what he does after school.
“My tongue knows no limits,” he says. “I will jam it down anyone’s throat I please.”