Saying extreme circumstances call for extreme measures, Luxembourg police have announced they are going to set up a line of kachkéis cannons as a defensive measure in Friday’s announced protest by Polish miners.
“Kachkéis is a known deterrent against foreign aggressors,” said police spokesperson Marco Trausch. “Which is why every Luxembourger has at least one container in his refrigerator at all times, ready to be used as a projectile in case of an invasion.”
“It is delicious to Luxembourgers and quite harmless to long-time residents who have built up a resistance to it,” he continued. “However, a direct hit on the face or body of only 500 grams of kachkéis will confuse, scare, and ultimately repel any outsider.”
Kachkéis cannons were originally developed in the 17th century for use against the French, although they ultimately proved useless as French soldiers were used to even weirder, stinkier cheeses.
Luxembourg has maintained an arsenal of modern kachkéis cannons since at least the 1950s, soon after the country joined NATO and it was believed they might be used against Soviet tanks.
While some crowd-control experts say kachkéis is perfectly suited for quieting and dispelling large groups, others say that using it as a weapon goes against basic rights.
“Kachkéis is very powerful,” said Peter Otombo, a lawyer who lives in the Hague. “I once sampled it during a visit to Luxembourg, and a week later I could still smell it on my clothes.”
“And let’s not forget how sticky it is,” he added. “To this day, I haven’t been able to wash it from my fingers.”