After having vowed to create an imitation McDonalds, Russia has found itself in desperate need of the secret recipe for Big Mac sauce, but the West will not give it up, and now Vladimir Putin is furious.
After the March announcement of the closure of some 850 McDonald’s locations in Russia, Minister of Foreign Affairs Sergey Lavrov said his country would not be intimidated.
“Does the West think it can punish us by depriving us of crispy Chicken McNuggets, golden salty fries, and the king among burgers, the Big Mac?” he said. “We will make our own.”
However, nearly a month later, Russian food scientists have been unable to reverse engineer Big Mac sauce, which has put the entire McDonald’s knock-off project on hold – a great shame for the Kremlin.
In a threat-laden rant on Sunday, Putin demanded that the West immediately hand over the recipe.
“Our scientists have easily copied your signature sandwich made of two all-beef patties tucked between three layers of a sesame-seed topped bun,” Putin said. “But with its usual trickery, the West uses a sauce which is impossible to duplicate without a precise list of ingredients.”
“By refusing to hand it over, you have attacked our taste buds, and you have declared war on Russian consumer preferences,” he added. “Which is why I am launching a special mission to reclaim a condiment that, for more than 30 years, has belonged to us.”
Intelligence sources say that while it is not clear if the Russian president is serious about sending forces to McDonald’s headquarters in Chicago, if so, they can expect to be met with three million liters of used fryer oil.