Calling it a mixed blessing, officials have confirmed that a Luxembourg City drug dealer has used Luxembourgish to offer drugs to a passerby. The utterance occurred on Monday afternoon on Rue de Hollerich when the dealer said “wat sichs du?” to a man on his way to a bus stop. Officials say that while the […]
You can make any dish ‘Mexican’ with random sweet red sauce, confirm Europeans
Nearly every restaurant in Europe has confirmed that all it takes to make any dish a “Mexican” dish is putting some random sweet red sauce on top. “See, here’s a regular burger,” said a cook at a restaurant in Amsterdam that specializes in hamburgers. “But after I squirt on it some sweet red sauce which […]
We’re going to make a joke about the monarchy just to see if it’s allowed – hey, hey! Who are you? Give back our laptop!
The Luxembourg Wurst has been in existence since 2017, and all that time we haven’t known for sure if we’re actually allowed to make pointed jokes about the institution of the monarchy. Why? Because no one tells us a damn thing, that’s why. When you get into the business of publishing online news satire, there’s […]
Report: non-drinkers love being asked why they don’t drink
According to a recent study by researchers from the University of Wiltz, non-drinkers love it when others – particularly strangers or someone they’ve just met – demand to know why they don’t consume alcohol. “For most teetotallers, being able to talk about why they don’t drink is the main reason they don’t drink,” said Lorena […]
6 famous horror movies if they took place in Luxembourg
Month of Salary the 13th It was a festive time. A jolly time. Everyone in the company was looking forward to the holidays. As per tradition, it was understood that the 13th month of salary would be distributed mid-December, just in time to help out with Christmas expenses. But then it’s the 22nd, the 23rd, […]
Sir, you said you were an UHNWI, but you are only an HNWI
Greetings, Mr. Becker. Please take a seat. My name is Jules de Gaesebeke, and I am a private banker here at Rothskid Partners. I have worked in private banking and wealth management for 30 years, so you can rest assured that I know what I am doing. Would you like some water sourced from an […]
3 Wise Men from Luxembourg planned to bring Jesus gifts of ‘fuel, cigarettes, and booze’
Suggesting that Luxembourg almost ended up playing a role in the Nativity, a historian says that three local wise men bearing gifts also set off to Bethlehem. In contrast to the better-known Gaspar, Melchior, and Balthasar, the three Luxembourgish Magi Gibbes, Metti, and Battes are understood to have departed for the East carrying presents of […]
Supermarket cashier makes chit-chat with you
In what’s being called an early Christmas miracle, a cashier at a supermarket near Luxembourg City has spontaneously made chit-chat with you. The chit-chat included a mundane but pleasant discussion of the weather and the season before drifting to your reason for moving to Luxembourg and the cashier’s feelings about working at that location. Only […]
New Year’s Eve party thrown totally off-balance by presence of single friend
A New Year’s Eve party in Luxembourg City was thrown off-balance and never recovered after the inclusion of a partnerless friend. Ian Fink and Pauline Morier invited Ali Zorba, 29, more than a month ago, giving only passing thought to the implications of his singleness. The damning asymmetry revealed itself the moment Zorba arrived and […]
Expat nicely fattened up for Christmas dinner
An expat has gained at least 10 kilos after his charitable Luxembourgish neighbors have spent more than a month feeding him sweets, leftovers, and booze. “Mr. and Mrs. Kléck-Steimmer have been very kind this holiday season,” explained Marius Rosco, who moved into his Walferdange neighborhood earlier this year. “To be fair, at first they weren’t […]
My favorite part of Christmas is neglecting my physical, emotional, and mental health
The Christmas season is full of wonderful traditions. My favorites are sipping on hot mulled wine at the Christmas market, listening to joyful music while decorating the tree, and strolling through the city center at night to enjoy the lights strung across the narrow streets. However, my favorite Christmas tradition by far is the total […]
8 tips for deterring burglars during the holidays
The holidays are a common time for burglaries to occur in Luxembourg. What can you do to make sure your home isn’t hit? Invest in expensive door locks Not that these will necessarily stop a burglar from entering, but at least his face will light up with appreciation as he thinks, “wow, these people have […]