Luxembourg Wurst

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Social distancing is easy, confirm Luxembourg City residents

Pointing to the long-established tradition in Luxembourg City of avoiding unnecessary contact with people and maintaining physical distance, residents have confirmed that social distancing is actually the easiest thing in the world to do. “I’ve been doing the whole social distancing thing for as long as I can remember,” says Rollingergrund resident Giselle Quinn, 61. […]

Association of Paranoiacs recommends social distancing of at least 3 km

Saying that whatever medical experts are advising for coronavirus safety is surely a criminal underestimation, the London-based Association of Paranoiacs is urging its members to stay at least three kilometers from other people.  “Yes, there’s only a .0001-percent chance that if an infected person sneezes while using a hairdryer with the window open, the virus […]

Mystery solved: people stocking up on toilet paper because not having any sucks

In response to widespread confusion about why people are clearing out stocks of toilet paper in this time of the coronavirus pandemic, one intellectually intrepid philosopher says he has figured out why.  “Why do people rush to supermarkets and fill up their shopping cards with toilet paper?” said Dr. Manfred Kneis, professor of logic, mathematics, […]

Panicked Naturata customers strip shelves of organic kombucha 

ROLLINGERGRUND — With fear over shortages of probiotic health drinks rising, hundreds of panicked Naturata customers flooded into the shop on Friday morning and stripped the shelves totally bare of kombucha.  “My fear was that if I didn’t react, I might not have kombucha for weeks or even months,” said one customer, her 100-percent organic […]