Every person who shares articles, makes posts, comments, and reacts on the professional networking site LinkedIn is simply taking the piss, it has been revealed.
“I shared an article about using AI to automate meaningful B2B contact and remarked that it was a ‘fascinating must-read,’” said Gasperich resident John Parker. “Which is funny because I didn’t read it myself. I have better things to do.”
Ayesha Ahmad, who lives in Steinsel, says that she was being snarky when she announced she was leaving her company and praised her “brilliant and inspiring colleagues.”
“My fourteen months at the company was one big firestorm that even the director of human resources and a team of professional mediators couldn’t put out,” she said. “The only thing my teammates inspired me to do was take up day drinking.”
Simon Catteau spends half of every workday on LinkedIn making disingenuous comments and engaging in long debates with people he doesn’t know, regarding topics he doesn’t actually care about.
“I started this as an experiment, just to see how long I could go without my boss or coworkers in my network asking how I can be so active on LinkedIn all day when I’m months behind schedule on dozens of projects,” said the resident of Kopstal. “It’s been nine years and no one’s questioned me. Amazing.”
Maura Sassari from Hesperange says that since creating an account in 2016, she has systematically responded to every post she has come across – 165,000 by her count – with the thumbs-up icon. However, she only recently learned that on LinkedIn and much of the world, a thumbs up is a sign of encouragement.
“In my culture, it means something else,” she said. “I cannot tell you because it’s vulgar and would make you wince.”
Observers say that even having a profile on LinkedIn and describing yourself in a bio is an act of taking the piss.
“Anyone who describes himself as a thought leader who is passionate about innovation or digitalisation or whatever is obviously having a laugh,” says one observer. “You can be passionate about football, snakes, or motorcycles, but not data management.”
“And what the hell is a thought leader, anyway?” she added. “Do you get a medal for that?”
A source from within LinkedIn has confessed that everyone has been dumbfounded by the site’s success.
“The idea was to create a goofy, fun website where people could ironically claim to love their jobs, express fake excitement for some dull accounting conference they were obliged to attend, and share pretend enthusiasm for others’ minuscule accomplishments,” the source said. “We believed people would get tired of the joke after a few months, but no.”
