BRUSSELS — Saying that in theory there is no reason why a 31-year-old shouldn’t lead a prosperous, democratic nation like Austria, Europe is still demanding that the new chancellor first demonstrate that he can grow facial hair. “It doesn’t need to be a full-on lumberjack beard or anything, just a solid patch of face fuzz that gives one the impression that you have surpassed puberty,” Europe told Sebastian Kurz via email on Monday. “We’re also open to a simple yet thick mustache, or even just sideburns that extend below the bottom of the earlobe and reassure us that children are not sneaking into positions of power.”
