WASHINGTON — Calling the damage to the social hierarchy caused the the coronavirus lockdown a “crisis we can no longer ignore,” the U.S. agency in charge of disaster relief has announced it will be allocating 26 billion hours of emergency attention to starving American celebrities.
“These people, members of our most fragile and neediest population, are trapped in mansions all the way from Malibu to Manhattan,” said FEMA spokesperson Ali Oup at a press conference on Wednesday. “They’re bored, they’re desperate, and if they don’t get some attention soon, many of them aren’t going to survive.”
“If we all donate just five or six hours of attention each week, we’ll be able to save every celebrity,” he continued. “These poor people need our eyes and our ears, and they need them now.”
The plan also calls for paying around one million newly unemployed Americans to divert their attention full-time back to celebrities most badly affected, including Ellen Degeneres, Gal Gadot, and Mark Ruffalo. Some British celebrities residing in the U.S., such as James Corden and John Oliver, will also receive aid.
A special fund of 100 million hours of attention has been set aside to save the Kardashian clan, whose situation is “dire,” says Oup.
“As for the Jenners, I’m afraid their needs are too great,” he added. “Sadly, we’ll have to let them all succumb to attention starvation.”