Moien, bonjour, and guten whatever. Do you speak English? Great, that’s a relief. Um, could you please restructure your administration to meet my linguistic needs? I know, I realize that would require tens of thousands of civil servants to sort of, um, yeah, take one or 10 English courses, a difficult proficiency exam, maybe spend […]
Home burglary fastest growing jobs sector
The Grand Duchy’s office for unofficial statistics, UNSTATEC, has released new figures showing that home burglary is now the biggest jobs sector, beating out more established ones like sausage farming and orchid sitting. To local burglars, the report comes as no surprise. “Luxembourg is full of homes, nice unguarded homes,” said one burglar who last […]
Applicants for Luxembourgish nationality must now swear they have slightly warm feelings for country
Amid worries that many of the applicants rushing to get Luxembourgish nationality are not doing so out of love, or even mild affection, for the country, but rather for personal and political reasons, officials will now require applicants to state that Luxembourg is “quite okay.” “We are not asking you to say that you love […]
Luxembourg Navy rescues 400 potatoes from Moselle cruise ship
REMICH — Members of a Luxembourgish Navy special forces unit have rescued as many as 400 potatoes that were being held captive in a foreign-registered ship. The ship, called Tigress of the Moselle, was transporting passengers on a full-day pleasure cruise when a Luxembourgish intelligence unit learned it was also carrying an unknown number of […]
Grrr: senior citizen at cash machine takes ages to find slot for bomb
ESCH-SUR-ALZETTE — A line of criminals waiting to blow up a cash machine early Thursday morning had to wait 15 minutes while an elderly thief in front of them struggled to find the right place to insert his explosive device. “Hey, grandpa, we don’t have all day,” angrily whispered Hubert Beenhouwer, who was already late […]
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