REMICH — Members of a Luxembourgish Navy special forces unit have rescued as many as 400 potatoes that were being held captive in a foreign-registered ship. The ship, called Tigress of the Moselle, was transporting passengers on a full-day pleasure cruise when a Luxembourgish intelligence unit learned it was also carrying an unknown number of […]
Grrr: senior citizen at cash machine takes ages to find slot for bomb
ESCH-SUR-ALZETTE — A line of criminals waiting to blow up a cash machine early Thursday morning had to wait 15 minutes while an elderly thief in front of them struggled to find the right place to insert his explosive device. “Hey, grandpa, we don’t have all day,” angrily whispered Hubert Beenhouwer, who was already late […]
Monolingual Luxembourger discovered
A woman believed to be the only Luxembourger who speaks just one language has been found in the north of the country where she claims to have spent the last 80 years living in a cave. The party of hikers who found the woman on Sunday say she didn’t understand when they addressed her in […]
Luxembourg officials: today cancelled
LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — Officials in the Grand Duchy have made an emergency declaration that effective immediately, today is cancelled. The main reason for the cancellation is a combination of bad weather and high levels of malaise, the danger of which increases tenfold when the combination occurs on this day of the week. “A rainy Tuesday contains […]
Half of Luxembourg population turn into slugs
In a sudden, nation-wide transformation that began earlier this week, at least half of Luxembourg’s some 600,000 human residents have transformed into slugs. “Just leave me alone, okay?” gurgled one slug named Serenella, who was spotted on Thursday slinking off to the Walferdange restaurant she manages. “At this pace, it’s going to take me forever […]
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