MERL — A cruel, thoughtless man who obviously gets pleasure from spreading chaos and destruction is trying shaking hands with anyone who crosses his path, sources have revealed. Humberto Cabral, 47, whom historians are already calling “Genghis Khan of the 21st century,” is allegedly ignoring advice to limit physical contact, and instead he’s offering his […]
EU lifts ban on exclamation marks in news headlines!
Saying that extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures, the European agency in charge of regulating punctuation in news headlines has announced it is lifting the ban on exclamation marks! “We don’t want news agencies to create panic, but we do want them to be able to convey the urgency of today’s news stories!” says a […]
Mother hits up drug dealers in search for hand sanitizer
A very flustered Luxembourg mother who visited 23 pharmacies and supermarkets in search of hand sanitizer made a last-ditch effort in the capital on Wednesday night, asking a group of drug dealers if they could hook her up. The mother, 39, cruised around the Gare’s side streets for more than an hour before she happened […]
Grand Duchy to be moved to Mediterranean
As part of a new rebranding effort to make Luxembourg more attractive, especially to people who come from warmer climates, officials have announced a plan to relocate the entire country to the Mediterranean Sea. “The rain, grey skies, temperatures always hovering around 11 degrees, it’s just a real downer,” said Thierry Schein, head of Lëtzsmile, […]
Panic as colleague goes for the cheek kiss
Chaos broke out at a small office in Bertrange on Tuesday when a French employee who had returned from a two-week vacation in Italy attempted to deliver cheek kisses to his female colleagues. “Salut,” said Yves Bourgy when he entered the office and, following a years-long custom, began the tour of kisses. Within seconds, word […]
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