Russian president Vladimir Putin has expressed confusion as to why many now view him as a monumental dickhead, saying that as far as he knew, everyone always seemed to admire villains like Darth Vader, for instance. “Vader was a consummate homicidal maniac,” Putin said. “He strangled his subordinates from three meters away, blew up planets […]
‘Well, they shouldn’t have made Putin angry,’ says local domestic abuser
A domestic abuser who insists that he is opposed to Russia’s attack on Ukraine also says that we should not have made Putin angry. “We know that Vladimir Putin doesn’t want to hurt anyone unless someone gives him a good reason,” the domestic abuser said. “It’s the same way with me, in my house, like […]
Luxembourg newspaper would like to inform you of minor celebrity story from US
Saying they have exhausted their coverage of all possible topics from Luxembourg, the Greater Region, Europe, and the rest of the world, a local newspaper has announced it will now turn its attention – and yours – to a minor celebrity story from the US. “That actress from California, you know the one, she was […]
Let Luxembourg In: an urgent appeal to allow us to enter your country this summer
An urgent appeal to Europe and the entire world. We want to visit your country. Don’t keep us out. We’ve got money to spend. Please #LetLuxembourgIn
US to give 26 billion hours of attention to starving celebrities
WASHINGTON — Calling the damage to the social hierarchy caused the the coronavirus lockdown a “crisis we can no longer ignore,” the U.S. agency in charge of disaster relief has announced it will be allocating 26 billion hours of emergency attention to starving American celebrities. “These people, members of our most fragile and neediest population, […]