BERTRANGE — A store employee who has spent the last month being apathetic part-time has returned to full-time not giving a shit. “It took a few weeks to get back into the routine and remember how to show minimal interest in the petty concerns of those who enter these premises,” said Damien Sellier, who had […]
‘Apply hand sanitizer or I’ll crush you,’ says Luxembourg security guard using only his eyes
The thousands of security guards posted at shop entrances all across the Grand Duchy are warning customers that if they fail to apply hand sanitizer before entering, they will be destroyed, according to the security guards’ own hardened eyes. The guards, most of whom have shaved heads and nicknames like “Pitbull” and “Bone-breaker,” have developed […]
‘I never signed up for this shit,’ says supermarket employee
A Luxembourg supermarket employee earning minimum wage has confirmed that when she got hired last year, no one told her she might have to sacrifice her own health and life in the line of duty. “I don’t recall signing anything saying that in case of war, I’d be given a pair of latex gloves and […]
Mystery solved: people stocking up on toilet paper because not having any sucks
In response to widespread confusion about why people are clearing out stocks of toilet paper in this time of the coronavirus pandemic, one intellectually intrepid philosopher says he has figured out why. “Why do people rush to supermarkets and fill up their shopping cards with toilet paper?” said Dr. Manfred Kneis, professor of logic, mathematics, […]
Man: wine with castle on label must be good
A Luxembourg resident who spent 20 minutes looking for a “decent but affordable” bottle of wine on Monday settled on one he determined was of superior quality due to an illustration of a castle on the label. “Anytime you see a castle or the word ‘château,’ you know it’s got to be good,” the man […]