In response to widespread confusion about why people are clearing out stocks of toilet paper in this time of the coronavirus pandemic, one intellectually intrepid philosopher says he has figured out why. “Why do people rush to supermarkets and fill up their shopping cards with toilet paper?” said Dr. Manfred Kneis, professor of logic, mathematics, […]
Panicked Naturata customers strip shelves of organic kombucha
ROLLINGERGRUND — With fear over shortages of probiotic health drinks rising, hundreds of panicked Naturata customers flooded into the shop on Friday morning and stripped the shelves totally bare of kombucha. “My fear was that if I didn’t react, I might not have kombucha for weeks or even months,” said one customer, her 100-percent organic […]
Modern-day Genghis Khan trying to shake hands with everyone
MERL — A cruel, thoughtless man who obviously gets pleasure from spreading chaos and destruction is trying shaking hands with anyone who crosses his path, sources have revealed. Humberto Cabral, 47, whom historians are already calling “Genghis Khan of the 21st century,” is allegedly ignoring advice to limit physical contact, and instead he’s offering his […]
EU lifts ban on exclamation marks in news headlines!
Saying that extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures, the European agency in charge of regulating punctuation in news headlines has announced it is lifting the ban on exclamation marks! “We don’t want news agencies to create panic, but we do want them to be able to convey the urgency of today’s news stories!” says a […]
This is no time for calm rationality. We need panic.
If you follow what’s going on in other countries, you see nothing but healthy scenes of unbridled panic as populations react and overreact to the threat of the coronavirus: hoarding cans of tuna fish, fighting in supermarket parking lots, and strangers insulting each other because one of them coughed. Yet here in Luxembourg, people are […]