Saying that whatever medical experts are advising for coronavirus safety is surely a criminal underestimation, the London-based Association of Paranoiacs is urging its members to stay at least three kilometers from other people. “Yes, there’s only a .0001-percent chance that if an infected person sneezes while using a hairdryer with the window open, the virus […]
Mystery solved: people stocking up on toilet paper because not having any sucks
In response to widespread confusion about why people are clearing out stocks of toilet paper in this time of the coronavirus pandemic, one intellectually intrepid philosopher says he has figured out why. “Why do people rush to supermarkets and fill up their shopping cards with toilet paper?” said Dr. Manfred Kneis, professor of logic, mathematics, […]
Panicked Naturata customers strip shelves of organic kombucha
ROLLINGERGRUND — With fear over shortages of probiotic health drinks rising, hundreds of panicked Naturata customers flooded into the shop on Friday morning and stripped the shelves totally bare of kombucha. “My fear was that if I didn’t react, I might not have kombucha for weeks or even months,” said one customer, her 100-percent organic […]
Modern-day Genghis Khan trying to shake hands with everyone
MERL — A cruel, thoughtless man who obviously gets pleasure from spreading chaos and destruction is trying shaking hands with anyone who crosses his path, sources have revealed. Humberto Cabral, 47, whom historians are already calling “Genghis Khan of the 21st century,” is allegedly ignoring advice to limit physical contact, and instead he’s offering his […]
EU lifts ban on exclamation marks in news headlines!
Saying that extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures, the European agency in charge of regulating punctuation in news headlines has announced it is lifting the ban on exclamation marks! “We don’t want news agencies to create panic, but we do want them to be able to convey the urgency of today’s news stories!” says a […]