Luxembourg Wurst

Knock A Shining Dog

Oops: malfunctioning indexation mechanism gives Luxembourg workers raise of 23,456 percent

LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — Saying “whoa, hey, somebody stop that thing,” Luxembourg government officials stood by helplessly as the mechanism that was developed to automate salary indexation malfunctioned, giving everyone a pay increase of 23,456 percent.  The red-faced officials admitted that although the increase was enormous and would likely bankrupt every employer, there was nothing they could […]

‘Close all 12 streets that remain open,’ orders VDL official with maniacal laughter

LUXEMBOURG-VILLE — At a press conference on Wednesday to address the traffic crisis, the official who oversees transportation and roadworks in the city suddenly grew annoyed with criticism and, in a moment of madness, ordered the remaining 12 open streets to be closed.  The official, going by the alias “Minister X,” at first attempted to […]

‘Insanity, heart attacks, possibly death’ the price for tram, official affirms

Responding to criticism that the worsening traffic in Luxembourg City is tearing the social fabric, a top official is reminding the public that inconvenience is the price to pay for the construction of a light rail network. “Look, you wanted a tram, so that means digging holes and laying tracks,” said Lettie Folper, the city’s […]

Home burglary fastest growing jobs sector

The Grand Duchy’s office for unofficial statistics, UNSTATEC, has released new figures showing that home burglary is now the biggest jobs sector, beating out more established ones like sausage farming and orchid sitting.  To local burglars, the report comes as no surprise.  “Luxembourg is full of homes, nice unguarded homes,” said one burglar who last […]

Applicants for Luxembourgish nationality must now swear they have slightly warm feelings for country

Amid worries that many of the applicants rushing to get Luxembourgish nationality are not doing so out of love, or even mild affection, for the country, but rather for personal and political reasons, officials will now require applicants to state that Luxembourg is “quite okay.” “We are not asking you to say that you love […]