BRUSSELS — Saying that its entire southern region is unmotivated and has no idea what it wants to do in life, a flustered Belgium has asked its ex-spouse Luxembourg to take care of Wallonia for a few years. “It’s true, we wanted to have Wallonia live with us after the [19th century] separation, but we […]
Grand Duke fights Belgian king to retain Luxembourg
MARTELANGE — Citing a recently discovered proclamation from 1374 that confers all of Luxembourg to the Count of Flanders, Grand Duke Henri was obliged to engage in a sword battle on Tuesday to retain his dominion, according to royal observers. While most residents of the Grand Duchy went to work or school, His Royal Highness […]
Pirate Party candidate considering ironing t-shirt before public event
FRUGALANGE — A member of Luxembourg’s Pirate Party who is running for deputy in the upcoming elections has admitted to giving “serious thought” to ironing his t-shirt before appearing at an upcoming event. Lucian Welter says that while he’s been making efforts to wear his nicest t-shirts and jeans when he’s on the campaign trail, […]
Expat surprised to learn grand duke doesn’t actually rule country
KOFFISPILLEN — A man who has lived in Luxembourg for nearly a decade says he’s dumbfounded after being told that Luxembourg’s reigning monarch doesn’t actually rule the country. Anthony Ludarki, 35, who was transferred to Luxembourg in early 2009, says he always understood that Grand Duke Henri enjoyed the broad and nearly absolute power for […]
Juncker video confirms rumors that Earth is spinning wildly out of control
For years, conspiracy theorists have claimed that our planet’s rotational speed has been rapidly increasing, and yet while most people scoffed at the idea, new evidence suggests the conspiracy theorists might be right. On Wednesday, video footage was released of former Luxembourgish politician and current European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker at a meeting with world […]
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