The Grand Duchy’s office for unofficial statistics, UNSTATEC, has released new figures showing that home burglary is now the biggest jobs sector, beating out more established ones like sausage farming and orchid sitting. To local burglars, the report comes as no surprise. “Luxembourg is full of homes, nice unguarded homes,” said one burglar who last […]
Applicants for Luxembourgish nationality must now swear they have slightly warm feelings for country
Amid worries that many of the applicants rushing to get Luxembourgish nationality are not doing so out of love, or even mild affection, for the country, but rather for personal and political reasons, officials will now require applicants to state that Luxembourg is “quite okay.” “We are not asking you to say that you love […]
UN to take over Luxembourg City roadworks disaster
NEW YORK — Describing the driving situation in Luxembourg City as “so bad that even the leather-clad masochists who used to flock there just to get stuck in traffic are running away,” the United Nations has announced it will be taking over the reconstruction of the city’s streets. Operation UNMILV calls for hundreds of peacekeeping […]
Civil servant able to communicate using only half-dead look in eyes
DINGLEDANGE — Residents of this rural commune have been flocking to see a local state employee who has a rare talent: he can communicate using nothing more than a half-dead look in his eyes. “He doesn’t use words, not in the traditional sense,” says longtime resident Pol Toumblé, who estimates he’s interacted with civil servant […]
Bettel to take empty podium on 28-nation world tour
In a move that will delight his supporters, Luxembourg prime minister Xavier Bettel has announced he’s going on a 28-nation world tour, and joining him will be the very podium that earned him so much international attention earlier this week. The podium, 130 centimetres in height and made from locally sourced wood, catapulted Bettel to […]
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