WASHINGTON — Calling the damage to the social hierarchy caused the the coronavirus lockdown a “crisis we can no longer ignore,” the U.S. agency in charge of disaster relief has announced it will be allocating 26 billion hours of emergency attention to starving American celebrities. “These people, members of our most fragile and neediest population, […]
Wild cows return to Luxembourg City
With butchers, restaurateurs, and other natural predators now confined to their homes, hundreds of wild cattle that once freely roamed Luxembourg City have begun to return. For centuries, cows outnumbered people in this region and, thanks to their larger size, they would simply push over anyone who got in their way, say experts. “It wasn’t […]
‘I never signed up for this shit,’ says supermarket employee
A Luxembourg supermarket employee earning minimum wage has confirmed that when she got hired last year, no one told her she might have to sacrifice her own health and life in the line of duty. “I don’t recall signing anything saying that in case of war, I’d be given a pair of latex gloves and […]
Toilet paper roll sells for €577,000
A roll of toilet paper, which is being called “the last of its kind,” has been sold in London for more than half of a million euros. The sale was made at Christie’s auction house on Wednesday, where the bidding started at fifty cents and quickly shot up. It’s not clear if the anonymous buyer […]
Luxembourg man finishes the internet
BISSEN — A man who has self-quarantined since the middle of the month has finished the internet, according to multiple sources. “Every article, blog post, video, social media update, and meme,” said Nicolas Quinn, 29, after switching off his tablet after a marathon 22-hour session. “I’m done. I’ve consumed them all.” “There’s nothing you can […]
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