Luxembourg Wurst

Knock A Shining Dog

American wishes Luxembourgers had less nuanced view of US elections 

A U.S. citizen who works in the Grand Duchy says he’s “shocked” by Luxembourgers’ refusal to have visceral reactions to American politics, and he strongly wishes they’d have a far less nuanced view of the recent elections.  On Wednesday, the day after Election Day, several of the man’s Luxembourgish colleagues asked for his thoughts, thinking […]

Government to fix housing crisis by asking people who already own property to shut up about it

Admitting that it’s impossible to make housing in Luxembourg more affordable, officials are instead asking everyone who already owns a home to shut up about it. “The housing market is out of our control,” said Ministry of Housing and Social Blights spokesperson Felix Oberpries. “It’s too strong. It’s like those bodybuilders who used to play […]

‘No cases, actually, none at all,’ reports mysterious new government official 

Following reports that Germany and other countries are restricting entries from Luxembourg due to a growing number of COVID-19 cases in the Grand Duchy, a mysterious new government official has announced that the number of cases of COVID-19 here is actually zero. The correction was delivered late Wednesday night at a press conference attended by […]

Luxembourg to install thousands of contactless auto-pay radars

In order to more quickly fill the nation’s depleted coffers and save drivers the trouble of having to make a bank transfer after getting a speeding ticket, dozens of radar units fixed with contactless payment terminals are being installed around Luxembourg. Thanks to new technology, the radar units will automatically deduct fines from the bank […]

Bettel to donate 200,001 of his scarves to help residents cover faces

Admitting that the paper face masks sent to all residents of the Grand Duchy might not last long, Prime Minister Xavier Bettel announced that he’s going to donate 200,001 scarves from his personal collection for residents to cover their mouths and noses. “Oosh voosh oon moosh loosh,” he said at a press conference on Wednesday, […]